Funny FAQs

When I asked Mike to join me in starting Pickle of the Month, one of the key things I wanted him to contribute was his *unique* sense of humor and writing style. When I read the FAQs he created for the site last night, I laughed so hard Mandy (my fiancee) looked at me as if I had four legs and horns coming out my head. I can’t tell if she thought I had gone off the deep end, or thought I was having a heart attack. Good times.

Take a look at the FAQs for the new site, hopefully you’ll find them as funny as I did.

  • I don’t like how the pickle tastes. What should I do?
  • Sounds like you need an attitude adjustment, mister!

  • What do I say when someone asks me about my tshirt?
  • Our favorite response is a high, cackling laugh that is persisted until everyone around you is completely uncomfortable, followed immediately with the loud shout of “I cannot be defeated!”

  • I’m allergic to pickled goods. Can I still use your service?
  • Absolutely not. In fact, please refrain from breeding as well. No need to propogate such an inferior genetic trait.

  • How far were your heads up your respective asses when you came up with this idea?
  • We go back and forth about this one quite a bit. Doug insists his head merely approached his ass when he came up with the idea, while I insist his head is perpetually up his ass.

  • Don’t you think POTM is a bit too phallic for a legitimate business?
  • Oh my gosh – we never thought about it THAT way! Sicko.

  • Do you guarantee the tshirts will make me look skinnier?
  • We think Tommy Boy put it best with the famous quote: “Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will.” The moral of the story is not that our shirts are equivalent to a dump, but rather there is no point in guaranteeing the skinniness quotient, therefore we do not guarantee it. Just trust us on this.

  • Can I order a tshirt of the month, instead of a pickle of the month?
  • You most certainly can. Here’s how: if you own a dog, teach him to drag a tshirt out of your dresser drawer exactly once a month, depositing that shirt at your feet (much like he does the newspaper). This affectionate guesture will serve as a pleasant and timely reminder to hit up the POTM site and check out our latest designs.

  • You two are buffoons.
  • This is without a doubt the most frequent sentiment of those visiting the site, hence it made our FAQs.

  • Are there any plans to offer sweatpants?
  • Dude, OF COURSE! That’s like asking if McDonald’s planned to eventually offer a bun with their hamburger. Between you and us, we’re lobbying tirelessly in Washington to require all senators and supreme court justices to wear sweats during any form of deliberation. Can you imagine what comfort like that could do for our lawmaking??

  • How many pickles can I eat before it becomes unsafe?
  • This is a very personal question of a very personal nature. For your benefit, we will abstain from answering.

  • Can I order POTM for my girlfriend in Guadelajara?
  • Unfortunately your pen pal…er, we mean, “girlfriend”, cannot currently receive pickles from us. We seriously doubt she gets any sort of pickle from you either, but who are we to judge.

  • Who would win in a fight: Garlic Gus or Hot Mama?
  • We’re pretty sure this question comes from a fan of all things fantasy. To answer it, try rolling the 20-sided die you keep in your magician pouch and see if it beats each pickle’s armor class. Then go watch Lord of the Rings again.

  • What makes Van Holten pickles so special that I want to get one every month?
  • People buy calendars with a different picture of a cute animal every month, say, cats for example. Are you telling me that you’d rather have one more lame picture of a cat this month, or a freaking enormous pickle? Common sense must prevail.

  • Can a person overdose on pickles?
  • We think our old roommate Paul overdosed on pizza once. It was brutal. He didn’t order it for a whole week afterwards. All we can suggest is to eat responsibly.

  • Are there rules against eating pickles for breakfast?
  • Just as there are unwritten rules regarding baseball, kissing your cousin, and fighting a girl, there are some unwritten rules to abide by when dealing with pickles. Fortunately for you, none of these involve breakfast.

  • If I email you guys, will you email me back?
  • We’d like to assume that we’ll become way too successful for such frivolous communication, but until that happens, you’ll definitely hear back from us.

  • Do you monogram your tshirts?
  • Do you monogram your underwear? If the answer is yes, then there’s no need to monogram anything else you wear. If the answer is no, then why start with your tshirts?

  • Does Doug realize the Packers suck?
  • We’ve had this discussion countless times. If Brett Favre ceased to exist, the Packers would fall off the planet. End of story. Go Bears.

  • What is your favorite pickle recipe?
  • For Thanksgiving, a surefire hit is to chop up all 4 flavors of pickles into a thin inch-long strips, combine into a bowl, toss, and serve. Surprise your guests with this as your “daring” substitution for that “tired and boring” coleslaw. Let us know if it goes over as well for you as it did for us.

  • Who should not be sent POTM? Anybody?
  • Communists, and people with irrational fears of green shipping tubes.
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